the confines of her own mind and spirit—why was I given this restless spirit, this ceaseless inability to be content with what life has brought me? Why cannot I be like other women, able to content myself with whatever comes, refusing to let the tiny mice of search for the unattainable gnaw at my restless heart? She thought of the times when she might have avoided all this seeking, seeking, seeking, by calm and unquestioning acceptance of life as she had encountered it, yielding principles and ideals which conflicted with the ways and customs and accepted standards of the world as she found them. She might have married Carl. She might have yielded to marriage or support without marriage when other men had offered it—acceptance of any one of a number of men whom she did not love and never would have loved but who could have given her ease and comfort and freedom from financial worry. She might have given away or abandoned Petit Jean and dropped for all time memory of his entry in the world. Instead here she was wanting him, longing for him more passionately than she had ever wanted him before.
Jimmie had wanted children—had begged her to give him a son, preferably, but if not a son, a daughter. There had been a time when she might have wanted to give him what he wanted. But she had not had the courage to tell him that the granting of his wish did not rest with her. When the time had gone by with no prospect of an heir she had spoken to Jimmie of a boy quite close to her which he had assumed was the child of a relative. He had urged her to bring him to their home but she had not done so. This simple solution had at first pleased her, as an easy solution, but she had been unwilling to adopt it. It would have seemed like deceit practised upon Jimmie and though she had acted with the ruthless courage born alone of mother love when Petit Jean’s welfare required it, she could not bring herself to take this step now that she was able to care for him and to assure him every comfort he needed.
As she sat by the window she thought of the dinner the night before. The calm dignity, the farsighted wisdom of the Chinese had stood out in