This meal happened to be a make-believe tea, and they sat round the board, guzzling in their greed; and really, what with their chatter and recriminations, the noise, as Wendy said, was positively deafening. To be sure, she did not mind noise, but she simply would not have them grabbing things, and then excusing themselves by saying that Tootles had pushed their elbow. There was a fixed rule that they must never hit back at meals, but should refer the matter of dispute to Wendy by raising the right arm politely and saying, “I complain of so-and-so”; but what usually happened was that they forgot to do this or did it too much.
“Sit in father’s chair, John!” Wendy was scandalised. “Certainly not.”
“He is not really our father,” John answered. “He didn’t even know how a father does till I showed him.”
This was grumbling. “We complain of John,” cried the twins.
Tootles held up his hand. He was so much the humblest of them, indeed he was the only humble one, that Wendy was specially gentle with him.
“I don’t suppose,” Tootles said diffidently, “that I could be father.”
“No, Tootles.”
Once Tootles began, which was not very often, he had a silly way of going on.
“As I can’t be father,” he said heavily, “I don’t suppose, Michael, you would let me be baby?”
“No, I won’t,” Michael rapped out. He was already in his basket.
“As I can’t be baby,” Tootles said, getting heavier and heavier, “do you think I could be a twin?”
“No, indeed,” replied the twins; “it’s awfully difficult to be a twin.”
“As I can’t be anything important,” said Tootles, “would any of you like to see me do a trick?”
“No,” they all replied.
Then at last he stopped. “I hadn’t really any hope,” he said.
The hateful telling broke out again.
“Slightly is coughing on the table.”
“The twins began with mammee-apples.”
“Curly is taking both tappa rolls and yams.”
“Nibs is speaking with his mouth full.”
“I complain of the twins.”
“I complain of Curly.”
“I complain of Nibs.”
“Oh dear, oh dear,” cried Wendy, “I’m sure I sometimes think that children are more trouble than they are worth.”
She told them to clear away, and sat down to her workbasket: a heavy load of stockings and every knee with a hole in it as usual.
“Wendy,” remonstrated Michael, “I’m too big for a cradle.”