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nydus/The Nature of a CrimePublic

After having gambled away assets entrusted to him, a lawyer writes a series of letters to his lover in an attempt to unburden his conscience.

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Table of Contents

III

scruples. But, analysing the matter down to its very depths, I think we arrive at this, that without the motives for self-restraint that other people have we are anxious to show more self-restraint than they. We are doing certain work not for payment but for sheer love of work. Do I make myself clear? For myself I have a great pride in your image. I can say to myself: “Here is a woman, my complement. She has no respect for the law. She does not value what a respect for the law would bring her. Yet she remains purer than the purest of the makers of law.” And I think it is the converse of that feeling that you have for me.

If you desire me to live on, I will live on: I am so swayed by you that if you desire me to break away from this ideal of you, the breath of a command will send me round to your side.

I am ready to give my life for this Ideal: nay more, I am ready to sacrifice you to it, since I know that life for you will remain a very bitter thing. I know, a little, what renunciation means.

And I am asking you to bear it⁠—for the sake of my ideal of you. For, assuredly, unless I can have you I must die⁠—and I know that you will not ask me to have you. And I love you: and bless you for it.

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