XXVII

woman amongst English ladies, French countesses, Italian signoras, and German gräfinnen. I could not find her. Sometimes, for a fleeting moment, I thought I caught a glance, heard a tone, beheld a form, which announced the realisation of my dream: but I was presently undeserved. You are not to suppose that I desired perfection, either of mind or person. I longed only for what suited me⁠—for the antipodes of the Creole: and I longed vainly. Amongst them all I found not one whom, had I been ever so free, I⁠—warned as I was of the risks, the horrors, the loathings of incongruous unions⁠—would have asked to marry me. Disappointment made me reckless. I tried dissipation⁠—never debauchery: that I hated, and hate. That was my Indian Messalina’s attribute: rooted disgust at it and her restrained me much, even in pleasure. Any enjoyment that bordered on riot seemed to approach me to her and her vices, and I eschewed it.