“No! After all that happened! After I showed her frankly my attitude toward her! Besides, how could she know that I did not go to the Bureau of the Guardians? She had no way of knowing that I was ill and could not.⁠ ⁠… And despite all this.⁠ ⁠…”

A dynamo was whirling and buzzing in my head. Buddha⁠ ⁠… yellow⁠ ⁠… lilies-of-the-valley⁠ ⁠… rosy crescent.⁠ ⁠… Besides⁠—besides, O- wanted to come to see me today! I am sure she would not believe (how could one believe), that I had absolutely nothing to do with the matter, that⁠ ⁠… I am sure also that we ( O- and I) will have a difficult, foolish and absolutely illogical conversation. No, anything but that! Let the situation solve itself mechanically; I shall send her a copy of this official communication.

While I was hastily putting the paper in my pocket, I noticed my terrible apelike hand. I remembered how that day during our walk, she took my hand and looked at it. Is it possible that she really⁠ ⁠… that she.⁠ ⁠…