for me. … And behind me disgrace, and that blood—Grigory’s. … What had I to live for? So I went to redeem the pistols I had pledged, to load them and put a bullet in my brain tomorrow.”
“And a grand feast the night before?”
“Yes, a grand feast the night before. Damn it all, gentlemen! Do make haste and finish it. I meant to shoot myself not far from here, beyond the village, and I’d planned to do it at five o’clock in the morning. And I had a note in my pocket already. I wrote it at Perhotin’s when I loaded my pistols. Here’s the letter. Read it! It’s not for you I tell it,” he added contemptuously.
He took it from his waistcoat pocket and flung it on the table. The lawyers read it with curiosity, and, as is usual, added it to the papers connected with the case.
“And you didn’t even think of washing your hands at Perhotin’s? You were not afraid then of arousing suspicion?”
“What suspicion? Suspicion or not, I should have galloped here just the same, and shot myself at five o’clock, and you wouldn’t have been in time to do anything. If it hadn’t been for what’s happened to my father, you would have known nothing about it, and wouldn’t have come here.
Oh, it’s the devil’s doing. It was the devil murdered father, it was through the devil that you found it out so soon. How did you manage to get here so quick? It’s marvelous, a dream!”
“ Mr. Perhotin informed us that when you came to him, you held in your hands … your bloodstained hands … your money … a lot of money … a bundle of hundred-rouble notes,