Next came the account of Mitya’s sudden determination to “step aside” and make way for their happiness. But he could not make up his mind to open his heart to them as before, and tell them about “the queen of his soul.” He disliked speaking of her before these chilly persons “who were fastening on him like bugs.” And so in response to their reiterated questions he answered briefly and abruptly:
“Well, I made up my mind to kill myself. What had I left to live for? That question stared me in the face. Her first rightful lover had come back, the man who wronged her but who’d hurried back to offer his love, after five years, and atone for the wrong with marriage. … So I knew it was all over for me. … And behind me disgrace, and that blood—Grigory’s. … What had I to live for? So I went to redeem the pistols I had pledged, to load them and put a bullet in my brain tomorrow.”
“And a grand feast the night before?”
“Yes, a grand feast the night before. Damn it all, gentlemen! Do make haste and finish it. I